How do you know when it’s time to let go of a belief you’ve held for a long time? People ask me some version of that question a lot, and my honest first answer is, “I don’t know.” Anything you’ve carried for a super long time probably deserves a second look. But there’s one signal I trust more than almost any other, and it shows up in the feedback you keep getting.
Receiving feedback is uncomfortable for most of us, even when it’s delivered with care. When the same comment comes back from different people, in different rooms, year after year, it gets even harder to hear. That’s exactly when it matters most. Below I’ll walk through what I said in a recent Short, why repeat feedback deserves your attention, and how to receive feedback in a way that actually changes something.
What I Said in This Short
In the video I talk about how all of us operate from a pretty biased standpoint. That isn’t a character flaw. It’s how the brain saves energy. Unconscious bias exists to help us run more efficiently, so we don’t have to rethink every single thing we do. Most days that’s a gift.
But there are times when you have to stop and say, “Wait a minute. I keep getting this very specific feedback. It might be me.” The same is true when you keep making the same mistake over and over. At that point the problem probably isn’t effort. It’s the inputs going into your decisions.
That’s why I love the end of one year and the start of the next. It’s a forced moment to ask what feedback has been consistent and what my team keeps bringing to me over and over. If there’s a pattern, that’s where I’d start.
Why Receiving Feedback Is Harder Than Giving It
Most leadership training focuses on delivering feedback. I’ve written about that side too, including what to do when a feedback conversation gets heated. Receiving feedback gets far less attention, and I’d argue it’s the harder skill.
When someone tells you something about yourself you didn’t expect, your body often reacts before your brain does. Your face gets warm. You start building your case. None of that makes you a bad leader. It makes you human. The work is noticing that reaction and choosing not to let it decide what happens next.
The leadership research firm Zenger Folkman calls this “feedback phobia” and says it’s widespread. Dodging feedback doesn’t protect you. It just keeps you from seeing what everyone around you already sees.
Your Brain Runs on Autopilot for a Reason
Organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich has spent years studying self awareness. In a series of surveys described in Forbes, she found that 95 percent of people believe they’re self aware, yet only 10 to 15 percent actually are. One reason she gives is that we’re wired to run on autopilot, unaware of how we’re behaving and why.
That lines up with what I said in the video. Autopilot is efficient. It’s also where long held beliefs like to hide. If you’ve believed for twenty years that you’re a great listener, you probably won’t question it when one person says you interrupt. You’ll explain it away. When three people say it, you’ve got a decision to make.
Bias shapes how we see other people, too. I wrote about that side of it in an earlier piece on unconscious bias and leadership, and the principle holds here. What we don’t notice, we can’t change.
When the Same Feedback Keeps Showing Up, It Might Be You
One comment is one person’s view. It might be accurate, or it might say more about their week than about you. A pattern is different. When the same theme comes from your boss, your peers, and your direct reports, or when it follows you from one job to the next, that’s not a coincidence.
Here are a few signs you’re looking at a pattern instead of a one off:
- You’ve heard it from people who don’t talk to each other
- You’ve heard it in more than one role or company
- Your first reaction is the same every time, usually some version of “they just don’t get it”
- You’ve already changed teams or bosses, and it came right along with you
I covered the bigger picture in my post on the blind spots your team notices before you do. Repeat feedback is one of the clearest ways those blind spots announce themselves.
Same Mistake, Different Day: Look at the Inputs
The other signal I mention in the video is making the same mistake again and again. When that happens, trying harder usually isn’t the answer. You need to rethink the inputs. What information are you using? Who are you listening to? What are you assuming before the decision even starts?
Say you keep missing deadlines on big projects. You can promise yourself you’ll move faster, or you can look at what goes into your estimates. Maybe you say yes before you ever look at your calendar. That’s an input problem, and no amount of hustle fixes it.
Emotions are one of the inputs we most often forget to check. If you notice your choices shift when you’re stressed or rushed, my post on pausing before you make the call offers a simple way to slow down.
How to Receive Feedback Without Getting Defensive
Knowing feedback is good for you doesn’t make it easier to hear. Here’s what helps me in the moment:
- Lead with gratitude. Before you respond to the content, let the person know you appreciate them telling you. It costs you nothing and tells them it’s safe to be honest with you again.
- Get specific. “Can you walk me through a time you saw that?” turns a general label into something you can actually work on.
- Get curious, not clever. Ask what and how questions, like “What did that look like from your side?” or “How did it affect the project?” I explain why I stay away from why questions in my post on trading why for what and how.
- Don’t rule on it right away. You don’t have to agree or disagree on the spot. “Let me think about that” is a complete sentence.
- Close the loop. Go back a few days later and tell them what you plan to do with what they shared.
Zenger Folkman puts it bluntly: don’t kill the messenger, because if you do, you’ll never get honest feedback again. Their suggested response is simple: “I appreciate that. Tell me more.”
If feedback tends to land on you like a judgment of who you are, start with my post on keeping your worth separate from your results. It’s hard to hear anything clearly when it feels like an attack on your identity.
How to Respond to Feedback You Don’t Agree With
Not every piece of feedback is right. Some of it is unfair, some is outdated, and some is really about the person giving it. You’re allowed to decide what to keep.
Before you toss something out, though, ask yourself two questions. Have I heard this before? And is my disagreement about the facts, or about how it made me feel? If you’ve heard it before, it deserves a closer look even if the delivery was clumsy. If your pushback is mostly about how it felt, give it a day before you decide.
Sometimes the feedback rubs against a belief you’ve carried for years about who you are or what you’re good at. That’s often the very belief worth examining. Years ago I wrote about the stories we tell ourselves that keep us small, and the same idea applies.
Ask for Feedback Before It Has to Find You
The best way to get better at receiving feedback is to stop waiting for it. In a study of 51,896 executives, Zenger Folkman found that leaders in the top 10 percent for asking for feedback were rated, on average, at the 86th percentile in overall leadership effectiveness. Leaders in the bottom 10 percent were rated at the 15th percentile.
That’s a huge gap, and it makes sense. When you ask, you set the tone. You’re not bracing for criticism. You’re inviting help.
Keep the ask small and specific. “How am I doing?” usually gets you a polite “Fine.” Try questions like these instead:
- “What’s one thing I could change to make our next team meeting more useful?”
- “What’s something I do that slows you down?”
- “What should I keep doing, no matter what?”
When Your Team Keeps Bringing You the Same Thing
For leaders, the most important feedback often doesn’t arrive labeled as feedback. It shows up as the same question in every one on one, or the same request you’ve answered with “we’ll look into it” three times now.
In the video I talk about looking at what my team keeps bringing to me over and over. That is feedback about how you lead, even if nobody says it that way. If people keep asking for clarity on priorities, that tells you something about how you communicate them. If they bring you every decision, that may tell you how much room you give them.
Your team is also watching what happens after they speak up. If nothing changes, they’ll stop bringing it to you, and it’s easy to mistake that silence for agreement. I wrote about keeping the conversation going in how great teams keep talking when the pressure is on. And if what your team keeps raising points to a conversation you’ve been putting off, my post on why waiting never makes hard talks easier is a good next step.
End of Year Reflection Questions to Ask About Feedback
I love this time of year for exactly the reason I give in the video. The close of one year and the start of another hands you a natural pause. Before you set new goals, look back at what people have been telling you. Here are the end of year reflection questions I’d start with:
- What feedback did I hear more than once this year?
- What did my team keep bringing to me over and over?
- What mistake did I repeat, and what were the inputs each time?
- Which belief about myself got challenged this year, and did I really listen?
- What would people say I got better at, and how do I know?
Eurich suggests a smaller daily version of this. At the end of each day, ask what went well, what you learned that you might do differently, and whose perspective you could get on a challenge you’re facing. Pick one pattern from your yearly list and make it the center of your plan for the new year. If you want a simple way to turn that into a goal, try the goal setting question my business partner taught me.
Find Someone Who Will Tell You the Truth
Eurich recommends finding what she calls a “loving critic,” someone who wants you to succeed and will tell you the truth without sugarcoating it. Most of us have plenty of people who’ll tell us we’re great. Far fewer will tell us what everyone else is too polite to say.
Choose one or two people who see your work up close. Tell them ahead of time what you’re asking for, so they don’t feel ambushed. Then make honesty easy by listening without arguing. For a wider circle of honest advisors, my post on building a personal board of directors lays out how I think about it.
Turn One Pattern Into One Change
Feedback only matters if something changes. You don’t need a personal overhaul. You need one pattern and one behavior you can practice.
If the feedback is that you interrupt, the behavior might be jotting your thought on a notepad and letting the other person finish. If the feedback is that people don’t know where they stand, the behavior might be a short weekly check in with each direct report. Tell the people who gave you the feedback what you’re working on. Then, in a couple of months, go back and ask, “Have you seen a difference?” Their answer becomes your next round of feedback.
Growth Starts With What You’re Willing to Hear
Feedback is an opportunity to grow. When you keep hearing the same thing, that’s not a coincidence. It’s an invitation. You can keep explaining it away, or you can get curious and find out what everyone else has been seeing.
I’ve long believed that the most impactful thing you can do as a leader is work on yourself, and I explain why on my page about making self improvement a leadership priority. Some leaders grow every year. Others repeat the same year over and over. More often than not, the difference is whether they’re willing to hear what needs to change. And if you’d like weekly leadership lessons with a side of real life, come join the Trailer Park Pack, my free private Facebook community.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does receiving feedback mean at work?
Receiving feedback at work means hearing how your work, behavior, or leadership affects other people and then deciding what to do with it. It includes formal input like performance reviews and informal input like comments from peers or the questions your team keeps asking. Receiving it well starts with listening fully before you respond.
How do you receive feedback well?
Thank the person, ask for a specific example, and ask what and how questions to understand their view. Avoid defending yourself in the moment. Take time to decide what you will keep, then follow up and tell them what you plan to do. Asking for feedback regularly also makes it much easier to hear.
How should you respond to feedback you disagree with?
Start by asking whether you have heard it before and whether your disagreement is about the facts or about how it felt. If it is a repeat theme, take it seriously even if the delivery was clumsy. If it truly does not fit, thank the person, keep what is useful, and let the rest go without arguing.
What does it mean when you keep getting the same feedback?
Repeated feedback from different people or across different roles usually points to a real pattern, often a blind spot or a long held belief you have not questioned. It is not a coincidence. It is a signal to look closely at your behavior and the inputs behind your decisions, then choose one change to practice.
What are good end of year reflection questions for leaders?
Ask what feedback you heard more than once this year, what your team kept bringing to you, which mistakes you repeated and why, which beliefs about yourself were challenged, and what people would say you improved. Pick one pattern from your answers and build your plan for the new year around it.
