So how can leaders repair trust once it’s broken? When someone asks me that, my first honest reaction is, “Gosh, that’s tough.” Time is the first thing that comes to mind. But time alone doesn’t fix anything. What happens in the first conversation after the damage decides whether time helps you or just lets the hurt settle in.
Rebuilding trust in the workplace is different from building it the first time. You aren’t starting from zero. You’re starting from below zero, with a person who now has evidence that you can let them down. In this post I’ll share the idea behind my recent Short, why the word “but” undoes so many apologies, and what repair looks like in the months after you say you’re sorry.
What I Shared About Repairing Trust
In the video I talk about what makes a broken trust situation worse. Usually it isn’t the original mistake. It’s what comes right after. The person says they’re sorry, and then they keep going. They explain their side. They add context. They walk the other person through every reason it happened, and by the end the apology has turned into a defense.
At some point it doesn’t matter what you say. You just have to own it. You have to be willing to say, “I messed up.” The person who can say, simply, “For a lot of reasons that happened, and I was just wrong, and I am so sorry,” is the person who starts to repair trust. Owning your stuff is the best place to begin.
Why Rebuilding Trust in the Workplace Is Harder Than Building It
I’ve written about how trust gets built through everyday consistency, and most of that still applies. The difference is that when you’re repairing trust, the other person is watching for a repeat. Every small slip looks like proof. Every kept commitment gets questioned for a while before it counts.
That caution is protective, not unfair. Your job isn’t to talk them out of it. Your job is to give them enough steady evidence, over enough time, that they choose to lower their guard themselves.
Sometimes what broke is one big moment, like taking credit for someone’s work. Sometimes it’s a slow leak, like the pattern I described in my post on what chronic lateness tells your team. Either way, you have to name the right thing before you can fix it.
Start by Acknowledging It Out Loud
The first step is simply admitting that trust has been broken. That sounds obvious, yet a lot of leaders skip it. They hope that if they act normal and work hard, the tension will fade on its own. It rarely does. The other person is still carrying it, and now they’re also wondering whether you even noticed.
So say it. Go to the person directly, in private, and name what happened in plain words. “I said I’d back you up in that meeting, and I didn’t.” “I shared your idea with the leadership team and never mentioned it came from you.” Specific beats vague every time. A general “Sorry if I upset anyone” tells the other person you still don’t see it.
It’s easy to keep postponing this. But as I wrote about why waiting never makes hard talks any easier, the longer you wait, the more the other person fills the silence with their own story about you.
The Minute You Say “But,” the Apology Is Gone
This is the part of the video I most want leaders to hear. A lot of folks don’t want to fully own it. They say, “I’m so sorry,” and then they pause, and then they say “but.” The minute you say “but,” the apology has been negated.
Listen to how it lands. “I’m sorry I missed the deadline, but I was waiting on finance.” “I’m sorry I snapped, but you have to understand the pressure I’m under.” Everything before the “but” disappears. What the other person hears is the second half, and the second half is about you.
If there’s context that truly matters, it can come later, once the other person feels heard and asks for it. In the first conversation, let the apology stand by itself. Then stop talking.
What the Research Says About an Effective Apology
There’s good research behind this. In 2016, Roy Lewicki of Ohio State and his colleagues tested how 755 people reacted to apologies containing anywhere from one to six elements: an expression of regret, an explanation of what went wrong, an acknowledgment of responsibility, a declaration of repentance, an offer of repair, and a request for forgiveness. As Ohio State’s summary of the study explains, the more elements an apology included, the more effective people rated it.
But the elements weren’t equal. The most important one was acknowledging responsibility. Lewicki put it simply: say it is your fault, that you made a mistake. The second most important was an offer of repair, because talk is cheap and a commitment to fix the damage shows you mean it. The least effective element was asking for forgiveness.
Notice that an explanation of what went wrong is on the list. That isn’t the same as defending yourself. A short, honest explanation that still lands on “and that’s on me” can help. An explanation that ends with “so it wasn’t really my fault” is the “but” in disguise.
Say “Tell Me More,” Then Just Take It
Owning it doesn’t end when you finish your sentence. In the video I suggest something that feels uncomfortable for most of us: be willing to say, “I bet that hurt your feelings. Tell me more.” Then just take it.
That means listening without correcting the record. If they remember it a little differently than you do, let it go for now. If they bring up something older, hear that too. You’re not there to win the conversation. You’re there to understand the impact your actions had on another person.
This is the same muscle I wrote about in hearing hard feedback without building your case. And if the conversation gets heated, the tools in staying steady when feelings run hot work just as well when you’re the one on the receiving end.
Why We Get Defensive, and What It Costs
I’ll be honest. As I look back on my whole career, I sure wish I had developed this sooner, both in my personal life and in my leadership. For me, insecurity would always pop up. I’d want to say, “But you don’t understand.”
The truth is, they didn’t need to understand. They just needed to know that I was sorry. They needed to know that I knew what I did deserved an apology.
Defensiveness usually comes from feeling like our whole value is on trial. If you made one bad call, you must be a bad leader, so you fight the charge. Learning to keep your worth separate from a single mistake makes it much easier to say “I was wrong” without feeling like you’re losing yourself. And when you feel the heat rising before you respond, taking a breath before you react buys you the few seconds you need to choose ownership over self protection.
Real Apologies Versus Reflexive Ones
There’s an important difference between the apology I’m describing here and the “sorry” many of us say twenty times a day. Years ago I shared a story from a leader named Janet VanWormer about trading reflexive apologies for a simple thank you. Her point was that “I’m sorry” belongs to its real purpose: owning up and seeking repair when you’ve wronged someone.
That’s exactly the moment this post is about. If you apologize for everything, your apology loses its weight. Save it for real harm, and people can hear that you mean it.
Offer Repair, Not Just Words
An apology opens the door. Repair is what you do once you walk through it. Ask the other person, “What would help make this right?” Sometimes the answer is concrete, like correcting the record with the people who heard the wrong version, or giving credit publicly where it was missed. Sometimes it’s a change in how you work together going forward.
Don’t promise more than you can keep. A sweeping promise you break a month later does more damage than the original mistake, so pick one or two specific commitments and make them visible. If you said you’d loop them in before decisions that affect their team, make sure they see it happen the very next time.
Transparency matters here. I wrote years ago about why telling people the truth builds credibility, and it’s never more true than after a breach. If something is going to slip, tell them early. Surprises are what break trust a second time.
Rebuilding Trust Looks Like Starting a New Relationship
After the apology, I think the repair looks a lot like building a new relationship with someone. You aren’t picking up exactly where you left off. You’re laying a new foundation, one small interaction at a time.
That means doing what you said you’d do, even on the small stuff. It means staying connected to the relationship instead of avoiding the person because things feel awkward. Check in. Ask how their project is going. Include them. Avoidance tells them the apology was a box you wanted to check, not a relationship you want to restore.
Researchers at Wharton studied exactly this. In a lab study, Maurice Schweitzer, John Hershey, and Eric Bradlow found that trust harmed by untrustworthy behavior could be effectively restored when people saw a consistent series of trustworthy actions. A promise to change helped speed up the recovery. There was one sobering finding, though. When the original breach involved deception, trust never fully recovered, even after a promise, an apology, and a steady run of trustworthy actions. If you’re tempted to shade the truth about what happened, don’t. A lie can turn a repairable mistake into a permanent one.
You Can Change Any Relationship by Going First
Not every broken relationship comes with a clear moment of harm. Sometimes you just look up and realize you’ve drifted away from someone you used to work well with. This might be a good time to ask yourself, “Who have I gotten away from, and what caused that?”
You can change any relationship by going first. You don’t have to wait for the other person to make the first move. You can say something like, “I want to do this differently. You matter to me, and this is important to me, so I’d like to start over.”
Most people are relieved when someone else breaks the ice. And since drift often starts with something we didn’t notice we were doing, it’s worth checking for the blind spots your team can see and you can’t.
When Two People on Your Team Need to Start Over
I do a lot of team building with corporate teams, and there’s often a pair of people everyone wishes could just get along. What I want to do is pull those two people into a room and say, “You’re both wrong, right? So can we just start over, and what would that look like?”
It’s usually one conversation. And here’s the pattern I see. The minute one person says, “Let me tell you what I did wrong,” the other person usually follows with, “Let me tell you what I did wrong.” Then both of them can say, “Okay, let’s start over.” But the minute one of them opens with, “Well, you did this and you did that,” the repair gets delayed a lot.
If you’re the leader in that room, your job is to make it safe for someone to go first. Skip the why questions, since “Why did you do that?” puts people right back on defense. I explain the swap I recommend for those questions in another post. When the friction has been going on long enough to affect everyone around them, I described a more structured approach in sitting down with two employees who can’t stand each other. Repairing those relationships is part of building a team where people feel safe enough to do their best work together.
Give It Time Without Going Quiet
Time really is part of the answer. Most people can’t trust you again the day after you apologize, and pressuring them to move on is its own kind of defensiveness. Don’t ask, “Are we good now?” every week. Let a few weeks of kept commitments, honest updates, and regular contact answer that question. That will do more than a second or third apology. If after a couple of months you sense the relationship is stronger, you can ask a simple question like, “Is there anything still sitting between us that we should talk about?” Then listen, the same way you did the first time.
Owning Your Part Is the Best Place to Start
If you’re carrying a relationship at work that isn’t what it used to be, here’s a place to begin this week. Write down what you did that contributed to it, in one or two plain sentences, with no “but.” Then decide when you’ll say it to the person. That’s the whole first step. Everything else gets easier after it.
If you want more of these real life leadership lessons, with stories that might make you laugh along the way, take a look at my online leadership academy, Trailer Park University. And if your team could use a reset of its own, I’d love to bring a team building session to your organization.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you rebuild trust in the workplace after a mistake?
Start by acknowledging the mistake directly and specifically, without adding a but or defending yourself. Listen to how it affected the other person, offer a concrete way to make it right, and then keep small, visible commitments over the following weeks. Rebuilding trust in the workplace depends far more on consistent actions after the apology than on the apology itself.
How long does it take to rebuild trust at work?
There is no set timeline. A small breach can heal in a few weeks of steady behavior, while a serious one can take months. Research from Wharton found that a consistent series of trustworthy actions restores trust and that a promise to change can speed up the process. Pressuring someone to move on usually slows it down.
Should a leader apologize to their team?
Yes, when the leader has truly caused harm. A clear apology that takes responsibility shows the team that mistakes can be owned instead of hidden, which makes it safer for them to do the same. Leaders should save apologies for real harm, though, rather than saying sorry out of habit, so the words keep their weight.
What if someone will not accept your apology at work?
Accept that they may need more time and more evidence. Do not argue or repeat the apology over and over. Keep your commitments, stay respectful and connected, and let your behavior speak. If the relationship affects the team’s work, a neutral leader or facilitator can help the two of you agree on how to work together going forward.
Can trust be fully restored after it has been broken?
Often it can, especially when the original breach was a mistake rather than a lie. In a Wharton study, trust damaged by untrustworthy behavior recovered with consistent trustworthy actions, but trust damaged by deception never fully recovered even after an apology and a promise. Honesty about what happened is essential to a full repair.
